Pride.

I finally did something I had wanted to do for ages. So I ordered a cool rainbow bracelet.
Just have to wait on delivery. :)

I've been watching the prop 8 trial. (not on t.v. but the blogs etc.)

Some of the arguments going on in the court is disheartening. Especially if people really do actually believe what they are saying.
Still I hope they win, and prop 8 is abolished.
The pessimist in me is pretty doubtful, but I hope it is.

University has started again, and I get some lovely lectures about genetics. (One of my interests) The first one was funny because he talked all about a book my high school biology teacher recommeded to me, so I knew more or less all he told us. He referenced another book I've just ordered from amazon. So the work has begun, but it doesn't feel like work at the moment.

Doubt I'll be saying that during exam time.

How Do They Do It?

Recently I've spent a lot of time thinking about being gay, how it happened, why etc.
I can accept I was born this way and it was not a concious choice of anybody.

Despite all this, I still struggle to tell people. I know people who will tell people as soon as it comes up. If some one says: "She's hot isn't she?" They tell them straight off. Some of them are so proud they wear pride bands, necklaces or rings.

How do they do it? Sometimes I feel as if theres a big plastic mould of "Blue-Mars" and so far I trickle into the mould and fill it to the knees.
Yes I do a lot of things people tell me are "gay". The only one of importance I see is the liking guys part. The rest isn't gay, to me anyway.
However, all that said, I still struggle to tell people. Since I got home before christmas I've been back in the closet because I'm in my parent's house.
I hate it, I want back out.

Even when I am "out" I'm still sort of "in". Most people didn't seem to surprised when they found out or I told them, but even so I feel as if people will automatically think less of me. I hate it, but it keeps on happening. For some reason I can't seem to be proud about who I am. My msn colour oscillates between blue and pink, because "boys can't have pink", then I think "Well I can!" then it changes back.

I have accepted that I am gay, but for some nagging, irritating reason I attach lots of stigma to it and hide away like a frightened child. It gets me so annoyed. There's times when I have been totally in control of situations most people would freak out with, but for this situation, where so many before me have won. I am not in control at all. I am squeezing the bar desperately trying not to let go, but I am in no way in control. I feel robbed of my confidence whenever I have to tell some one or whenever some one asks me about being gay, and I can't get over it yet.

I'm starting to think that to fully be happy, and confident I'm going to have to bite a rather large bullet and tell the parents.
A concept I neither relish or am in any hurry to do.
I don't know what stops me telling them, but something holds me back from it.

Welcome 2010

Wow. What a crazy night that was.
I feel a bit guilty, as my colleague for the night got injured. I've replayed it in my head a million times and the duty officer was right. It wasn't my fault.
However I feel bad as he's a great guy. Even if, for the exciting stuff he was reduced to passing me kit and equipment and watching. (Gotta love the extra training courses :p)

We went to an "unconious female" at 11:59pm. So we missed all the fireworks and song singing. (unconcious is used here by drunk public, to tell us someone is lying on the floor, but not actually unconcious)
We arrived I went in and did the usual response check.
Zip. Nada. Nothing.
I then did the "unofficial" response check. If you don't move for this you are either unconcious or good at faking it. I pressed my finger in against the back of her jaw, just below the ear. (try it, push hard. Hurts eh?) Then "nipped" her ear with a pen, again pressing firmly.
The eyes rolled and opened. Good enough for me.
She then brought a lovely present up for me, but I rolled her away from me and it spilled out onto the floor.
Then the problems began. My colleague, (we'll call him P) grabbed the visor of my helmet, thrust it down and shouted "Incoming bottles buddy."
For some reason, despite "Medic" being clearly displayed on my back, and on P's and lots of other notifications on our kit etc. People decided to chuck bottles at us.
"Reach for the red P" I said.
"Already done"
Within about 30 seconds 5 police officers materialised, and more were pushing their way over to us. They made a cordon and tried to grab people throwing bottles.
More or less at the same time, the lovely drunk woman decided to block her airway, and try to die on us. Most inconsiderate. It's very impolite to do that to volunteers. If you must, do it on the paramedics and health care professionals.
With some intervention, and perhaps a dose of luck, I had the airway back.
Then it went downhill.
We had to get her off the streets and somewhere safe to finish treatment. Then she would go to the "sleepover" a place where the drunks sleep it off.
We roped in some coleeagues and police and tried to move her. (She was enormous) Then, the policeman slipped, took out P's legs and both of them fell. P landed ribs first on the policeman's knee. That's when his shift ended.
Eventually with more help and some grit chucked about, we got her on the trolley bed and into a nearby medical tent.

That was the worst for awkwardness and injured colleague point of view.
I won't put the rest of the night on and bore you all.

So the new year has started, the vast majority of people survived to see it. Most won't remember it. Maybe I'm just cynical. Still. I spent 12 hours responding to "emergencies" and for the most part scraping drunks off the floor, or trying to repair drunken injuries.
It was 12 hours doing what I want to do for a career, and it was awesome. Yes, there was time wasters, and yes it lowered my opinion of the British public, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Hope you all had a great time, and didn't have to get some one like me coming for you.
Here's to 2010

Getting All Emotional

It's new year tomorrow. A magical time of the year where all social rules end. It becomes "acceptable" to get pished beyond belief and a sign of a good night is having some one like me help you, or waking up in a police cell.

It's also the time of year I get all emotional and slushy. I volunteer for the shift. 6pm-6am 09-10.
I did it last year. We don't keep assualt figures for this shift. They go unreported, unless it is really bad.
So I'll be on the streets of my city as part of an 80 strong medical team for around 100,000 people. Last year I had a huge colleague that can smell trouble. I was with him the year before too (when I was young, and clueless.)
This year, because I've got "experience" "under my belt" (I thought my trousers were under there)
I won't be with the same guy. I'll be with someone of similar or less experience. So I am bricking it a bit. Still, as we are "newer" we will be in a safer area of the city. (i.e. the one with police everywhere.) I just have to push that wee red "panic" button and instantly my people tell the police's people to throw police officers at us.  So that's not too bad.
Still, if I remeber one thing he told me: "If your guts feel bad, be careful. If you can identify any danger walk away and call in police. If it's just your guts, stand further back."

I'll be sure to let you all know I'm alive in the new year. lol
I'll be fine. I just worry way too much. (You might have noticed by now...)

Wishing you all an amazing ambulance-free, trouble-free New Year.

Crash Landing in Singletown.

I'm single again. =(

To be honest, it never really felt right from the get go. About a week or so, and we decided to call it a day. We are still however friends. It was a mutual decision, so I'm not too cut up about it.

Guess I'll just go back to normal life for now.
What I will remember, is how he helped normalise being gay to me. How he made it feel acceptable and okay to be gay.

Is it too much to ask for Mr Right to hurry up a bit?
I'm only 17, I'm sure when I'm older and a bit more mature I'll find someone.
Still, would be nice if he hurried up.

Christmas

Merry Christmas all.

I hope you all had wonderful days.

I got a new jumper, it's pretty sweet. Fits too.
I have enough chocolate to open a shop too...

Dead excited for January. I go back up to uni in January, and consequently back out of the closet and also back to my better half.

2 weeks and I'm already pining... lol
Not long now...
Mum casually stated she thought the whole Uganda thing was really bad, so I suppose that's a plus of being home. Maybe she won't mind too much when I eventually tell her...

I do hope the law doesn't go through though.

Maybe 2010 will bring better times for the world, and more selfishly me. eek, selfish times.

Castoffs has gone?

I've just noticed that when I click on Castoff's from my blog roll it tells me the blog is not found.

Mr HCI are you still blogging?

*Edit* Don't panic. Mr. HCI is still here.