Pride.

I finally did something I had wanted to do for ages. So I ordered a cool rainbow bracelet.
Just have to wait on delivery. :)

I've been watching the prop 8 trial. (not on t.v. but the blogs etc.)

Some of the arguments going on in the court is disheartening. Especially if people really do actually believe what they are saying.
Still I hope they win, and prop 8 is abolished.
The pessimist in me is pretty doubtful, but I hope it is.

University has started again, and I get some lovely lectures about genetics. (One of my interests) The first one was funny because he talked all about a book my high school biology teacher recommeded to me, so I knew more or less all he told us. He referenced another book I've just ordered from amazon. So the work has begun, but it doesn't feel like work at the moment.

Doubt I'll be saying that during exam time.

How Do They Do It?

Recently I've spent a lot of time thinking about being gay, how it happened, why etc.
I can accept I was born this way and it was not a concious choice of anybody.

Despite all this, I still struggle to tell people. I know people who will tell people as soon as it comes up. If some one says: "She's hot isn't she?" They tell them straight off. Some of them are so proud they wear pride bands, necklaces or rings.

How do they do it? Sometimes I feel as if theres a big plastic mould of "Blue-Mars" and so far I trickle into the mould and fill it to the knees.
Yes I do a lot of things people tell me are "gay". The only one of importance I see is the liking guys part. The rest isn't gay, to me anyway.
However, all that said, I still struggle to tell people. Since I got home before christmas I've been back in the closet because I'm in my parent's house.
I hate it, I want back out.

Even when I am "out" I'm still sort of "in". Most people didn't seem to surprised when they found out or I told them, but even so I feel as if people will automatically think less of me. I hate it, but it keeps on happening. For some reason I can't seem to be proud about who I am. My msn colour oscillates between blue and pink, because "boys can't have pink", then I think "Well I can!" then it changes back.

I have accepted that I am gay, but for some nagging, irritating reason I attach lots of stigma to it and hide away like a frightened child. It gets me so annoyed. There's times when I have been totally in control of situations most people would freak out with, but for this situation, where so many before me have won. I am not in control at all. I am squeezing the bar desperately trying not to let go, but I am in no way in control. I feel robbed of my confidence whenever I have to tell some one or whenever some one asks me about being gay, and I can't get over it yet.

I'm starting to think that to fully be happy, and confident I'm going to have to bite a rather large bullet and tell the parents.
A concept I neither relish or am in any hurry to do.
I don't know what stops me telling them, but something holds me back from it.

Welcome 2010

Wow. What a crazy night that was.
I feel a bit guilty, as my colleague for the night got injured. I've replayed it in my head a million times and the duty officer was right. It wasn't my fault.
However I feel bad as he's a great guy. Even if, for the exciting stuff he was reduced to passing me kit and equipment and watching. (Gotta love the extra training courses :p)

We went to an "unconious female" at 11:59pm. So we missed all the fireworks and song singing. (unconcious is used here by drunk public, to tell us someone is lying on the floor, but not actually unconcious)
We arrived I went in and did the usual response check.
Zip. Nada. Nothing.
I then did the "unofficial" response check. If you don't move for this you are either unconcious or good at faking it. I pressed my finger in against the back of her jaw, just below the ear. (try it, push hard. Hurts eh?) Then "nipped" her ear with a pen, again pressing firmly.
The eyes rolled and opened. Good enough for me.
She then brought a lovely present up for me, but I rolled her away from me and it spilled out onto the floor.
Then the problems began. My colleague, (we'll call him P) grabbed the visor of my helmet, thrust it down and shouted "Incoming bottles buddy."
For some reason, despite "Medic" being clearly displayed on my back, and on P's and lots of other notifications on our kit etc. People decided to chuck bottles at us.
"Reach for the red P" I said.
"Already done"
Within about 30 seconds 5 police officers materialised, and more were pushing their way over to us. They made a cordon and tried to grab people throwing bottles.
More or less at the same time, the lovely drunk woman decided to block her airway, and try to die on us. Most inconsiderate. It's very impolite to do that to volunteers. If you must, do it on the paramedics and health care professionals.
With some intervention, and perhaps a dose of luck, I had the airway back.
Then it went downhill.
We had to get her off the streets and somewhere safe to finish treatment. Then she would go to the "sleepover" a place where the drunks sleep it off.
We roped in some coleeagues and police and tried to move her. (She was enormous) Then, the policeman slipped, took out P's legs and both of them fell. P landed ribs first on the policeman's knee. That's when his shift ended.
Eventually with more help and some grit chucked about, we got her on the trolley bed and into a nearby medical tent.

That was the worst for awkwardness and injured colleague point of view.
I won't put the rest of the night on and bore you all.

So the new year has started, the vast majority of people survived to see it. Most won't remember it. Maybe I'm just cynical. Still. I spent 12 hours responding to "emergencies" and for the most part scraping drunks off the floor, or trying to repair drunken injuries.
It was 12 hours doing what I want to do for a career, and it was awesome. Yes, there was time wasters, and yes it lowered my opinion of the British public, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Hope you all had a great time, and didn't have to get some one like me coming for you.
Here's to 2010

Getting All Emotional

It's new year tomorrow. A magical time of the year where all social rules end. It becomes "acceptable" to get pished beyond belief and a sign of a good night is having some one like me help you, or waking up in a police cell.

It's also the time of year I get all emotional and slushy. I volunteer for the shift. 6pm-6am 09-10.
I did it last year. We don't keep assualt figures for this shift. They go unreported, unless it is really bad.
So I'll be on the streets of my city as part of an 80 strong medical team for around 100,000 people. Last year I had a huge colleague that can smell trouble. I was with him the year before too (when I was young, and clueless.)
This year, because I've got "experience" "under my belt" (I thought my trousers were under there)
I won't be with the same guy. I'll be with someone of similar or less experience. So I am bricking it a bit. Still, as we are "newer" we will be in a safer area of the city. (i.e. the one with police everywhere.) I just have to push that wee red "panic" button and instantly my people tell the police's people to throw police officers at us.  So that's not too bad.
Still, if I remeber one thing he told me: "If your guts feel bad, be careful. If you can identify any danger walk away and call in police. If it's just your guts, stand further back."

I'll be sure to let you all know I'm alive in the new year. lol
I'll be fine. I just worry way too much. (You might have noticed by now...)

Wishing you all an amazing ambulance-free, trouble-free New Year.

Crash Landing in Singletown.

I'm single again. =(

To be honest, it never really felt right from the get go. About a week or so, and we decided to call it a day. We are still however friends. It was a mutual decision, so I'm not too cut up about it.

Guess I'll just go back to normal life for now.
What I will remember, is how he helped normalise being gay to me. How he made it feel acceptable and okay to be gay.

Is it too much to ask for Mr Right to hurry up a bit?
I'm only 17, I'm sure when I'm older and a bit more mature I'll find someone.
Still, would be nice if he hurried up.

Christmas

Merry Christmas all.

I hope you all had wonderful days.

I got a new jumper, it's pretty sweet. Fits too.
I have enough chocolate to open a shop too...

Dead excited for January. I go back up to uni in January, and consequently back out of the closet and also back to my better half.

2 weeks and I'm already pining... lol
Not long now...
Mum casually stated she thought the whole Uganda thing was really bad, so I suppose that's a plus of being home. Maybe she won't mind too much when I eventually tell her...

I do hope the law doesn't go through though.

Maybe 2010 will bring better times for the world, and more selfishly me. eek, selfish times.

Castoffs has gone?

I've just noticed that when I click on Castoff's from my blog roll it tells me the blog is not found.

Mr HCI are you still blogging?

*Edit* Don't panic. Mr. HCI is still here. 

Nearly Christmas

It's nearly christmas. The time of eating too much, and being interrogated by family on girlfriends. :S

Good thing it's just parents and grandparents. ;)

It's even snowed over here. I can't wait to get out and make stuff with it.

Have a good christmas all.

Well, huge turnaround.

Counsellor went swimmingly. Now in touch with someone who specialises with LGBT people, so win in that respect.

I may have also got myself a boyfriend. :)

Spending a large amount of time texting and msning... ;)

Life's taken a nose dive, upwards.

An Appointment Made

Monday at 4. That's when I will see this counsellor for the first time. Probably not the last.

I'm already nervous as hell It's not even the weekend.

*sigh* Things have looked up recently so that's not too bad.

Anyway, back to my exam revision.

Waiting

I've still not heard back from the counsellor. The woman told on Friday it might take a wee while, but I'd expected to have something by now. Not sure if I should e-mail them to ask or just wait another day or two.

Things have been typical round here, but have thankfully calmed down a lot. I did some of my volunteering today. A 17yo male collapsed so I was called out to that. It turned out to be a simple faint with no tangible cause. Everything was fine on examination, a paramedic arrived after me and confirmed this, so we went on our way leaving him with some advice. That's about as exciting as it's been.

I'm just hoping the counsellor will be quick and e-mail me soon. I'm just ticking over for now. Passing each day as it comes.

I get less people running up asking if I'm gay now, so it's calmed down in that respect too, which is nice. Things almost seem to be heading towards a norm now. University is a very accepting place, I've not had anymore contact from anyone at school except for true friends, or two people who seem intent on reminding me verses in the Bible. I'm not sure how to block e-mails, so I just delete any I see come in.

I had a pretty funny reaction from someone today. "Great, can we go shopping!?"
I said: "That's a stereotype, not all gay people like shopping."
"Aww, okay. Sorry."
"SO when do you want to go?" (I don't mind it, I didn't buy anything either, so bank account win)

Counsellor

I went to the counsellor today. The first time I ended up getting to the door and walking past, but the second time I went in. I'm glad I did. A woman introduced herself and took me through the starting process. She said a counsellor could really help.
They did a core test or something similarly named. It's split into areas, Risk, Functionality and two other things. Wellbeing was one I think.
Anyway, my score said I was 0 for risk so that was good, but not as good for wellbeing, functionality and a third one. The test itself was quite hard. It made me think back over the last week or so, and it was mostly negative questions too.

However, things look like they will be getting better in the future. It was a nice place, it felt safe, non-judgemental and calm. I think I'm going to like it. I don't know who I'll get as a counsellor yet, but I'll get e-mailed sometime next week.

I want to thank the people that pushed me in the right direction, I can see now it's a good idea.

Lift Heading Up

Things look like they are getting better now.


I got my first comment last night! Mr. HCI. I checked out what he said today, about counsellors not being allowed to share information unless it was to protect me/somebody.

It turns out the counsellors are not allowed to disclose any personal information about me unless I was posing a danger to myself or someone else. So as I'm not doing that I think I should be good. I also got a letter from them today. Luckily given to me in person as it had University of ********** written all over it. Nice and subtle for the flatmates eh? In the letter they seemed very nice and approachable. I'm swaying so far to the go for it side now. (I think my director of studies must have thought I needed a push in the right direction).

Uni today was fairly standard, not much going on. My flatmates seem a bit more ok with everything. Some to differing levels. Most of them are still treating me just as before, and we all have a laugh. So it's not too bad. Things in the flat are looking up and at uni things are looking better with this counsellor. Just exams to worry about now really. Also nobody here has really been that bad, I don't think all that many know but some probably do. I got another letter about our schools first reunion. It's in the bin... A reunion after 6 months? Seems early. I can count the people I want to see again on one hand. I also keep in touch with them, so can easily arrange to see them whenever. I got a lovely e-mail from an old school friend. A real friend anyway.
It was huge, but to sum it up: My friend heard I was gay, and it doesn't bother him at all. He knows some people at school don't like it, but he said that they are just small minded. He spent a large chunck saying how it changes nothing between us, and he hopes to see me about christmas time. He also seems to be liking his uni, he wrote about the "talent on offer". So I that e-mail literally made my day.

Well it's decided. I will go to the counsellor and see what it's all about.
I finish tomorrow at 1pm. :) Students eh?
So I will go down and see them tomorrow I think. I feel better knowing they won't tell other people, and it sounds like it will help.

Wish me luck.

The Storm has Arrived Right on Fricking Que.

I knew a storm was coming. I knew it. I bloody well flipping knew it. (I do try not to swear, but lost £3 to my swear jar in the last hour)

The two people I thought I could trust that then outed me? Well it seems everyone knows. At least I'm at uni now. I might only be 17, but at least I'm not in that shithole school anymore. (Worth the 10p just to describe it.)

I've had a combination ranging from people assuming I'm gay because "so and so said I was", to people asking.

One "friend" actually asked if I can help them seduce a girl! Sorry, gay. No experience or ability at seducing girls. Right?

It's amazing how many people actually believe every detail of the "gay stereotype". No, I don't wear spandex, call everyone "darling" or know everything about fashion. I do like pink though... But I am not a stereotype, please stop labelling me!

I've had some of what I got at school, but luckily university seems more accepting. At least to my face anyways.

As for flatmates.... Well, I thought everything was cool, I didn't really see them much on Tuesday (yesterday).
However, at breakfast this morning I saw some and the tension was palpable. Normally when I walked in I got: "Morning" or "Stop smiling you smarmy git." (I'm a morning person)

Today I got: "_______" Nothing. Zip, nada. Not even an acknowledgement of my existence. Not even when I said "Morning.". I'm starting to think they are less cool with me than I had previously thought.

I'm starting to wish I could crawl back into my closet, at least when people thought I was straight they just treated me normally.
I have to live with these people until May/June time when we leave halls. I can't do that if they just blank me. Can I?

On top of this, I'm still undecided and terrified of seeing this counsellor they've offered.
It's totally optional, it will make no difference to my studies and the fact I've effectively "gotten away" with missing lectures and practicals. I just really couldn't bear to leave the flat, let alone go to a practical or a lecture. The director of studies was nice. She seemed understanding. I was still crapping it though. I need my degree if I want to be a registered paramedic, and she could have taken me off the degree, or more likely just incurred some kind of penalty.
I want to get help with all this, and the stuff that I don't even publish here, but I'm just terrified of the idea of going to see a counsellor. What if they decide to just tell my parents? Then I'd be royally fucked. I feel as if people's reactions are my fault. When my friends ditched me I felt responsible. People keep telling me it's not. I feel as if it is though. I don't know why. I have so many feelings bubbling away inside I feel as if I'm going to explode sometimes.

I can see the benefits, but I just don't know if I can trust them totally. Are they allowed to tell other people what I say? Does anyone know? Does anyone even read this, or is it just a vent for the crap that builds up inside?

Argh. I don't know what to do. I hate that. It's why I read so many books for my voluntary medical stuff. So people know they can count on me. Here? Here I'm totally useless. I just don't know what to do.

Local Gay Group.

I was at the local gay group yesterday night.

It cheered me up after a typically irritating day. Sometimes I get that urge to slap people very, very hard. I don't though :)

Anyway, so we made a constitution, and we might be getting £10,000 to give to organisations to help them promote LGBT issues. Way cool huh?

We talked about the need of an accountant to chart where the money goes, and what comes in etc. Silly me mentioned that I've done that before, and that I know how to keep accounts, and have an accountant I can go run to if I balls it up. Looks like I'm going to be nominated for that post. Would be a lot of work to set up, but easy enough to maintain.

I also talked a bit about recent events and things. I feel better and less like it was my fault.
I don't know why, but for some reason I blamed myself for my friends reactions. The worker sorted me out though and made me realise it wasn't my fault. I still feel bad though.

I had a dream last night, I told my parents in it. It turned into a nightmare from there. I think my brain is trying to tell me something...

I think I'll just wait for now really.

After my weekend I didn't really want to come out anymore, but I managed to tell my flatmates. They seemed cool with it. I've not really seen them much today, so I don't know really.

I nearly came out to a friend today, wish I could. However after the weekend I'm a bit scared really.
Not sure what to do about that.
I've been offered counselling at the uni.

Is it that bad?? :(

I'm not sure if I'll go. I think it could help, but there is a kind of stigma to it I guess. What if someone I knew saw me? What if my lecturers found out (it's run by the uni). I mean, they might be less irritated about the practical class I missed, but would it affect my degree?
What if they think I'm crazy and tell my parents?

I can see the benefits, but my mind just keeps throwing "What if's" at me, and bad scenarios.

Anyone had experience with a counsellor, or able to answer any of these What ifs?
Be glady appreciated, I want to sort this out and be sure about my decision.

If only it was that easy...

Flatmates

So I was watching scrubs with my flatmates. It's 2 student accomodation flats. My flat, and the one across the hall.

So, one of them just asked if I was gay. I said yes because I was pretty sure I could trust her.

Finally some win in my life.

We had no evolution/darwinism lectures today, it was all Physicsy stuff which was hard to understand. At least it wasn't like the darwinism ones.

I'm just happy to finally have a bit of a win, it's felt like the last few months have been shit overall. Well they have, but things actually are looking up at the moment.

I even discussed people we found hot with one of the girls. :)
It feels good to not be avoiding the issue, and staying in my closet. I was worried after what happened at the weekend, but I'm so glad I took the plunge. I will need to tell the others too. The ones I did tell didn't really say much about it.

That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed, I don't think there'll be too much to keep me up, I'm too happy to worry now.

Aaah! Outed!

AAAH.

I'm bricking myself now. I told a couple of people I trusted at the weekend. 1 of them cut me off, but has since said sorry and come back. The other two gave me vebal, and have now started to tell the whole frigging world.

All I've had today is people saying "Is it true?"
I even got e-mails from people at my old school. Mostly along the lines of I'm disgusting etc. etc.

Fuck. What the hell should I do?
I've just said no to anyone I don't trust. I told 1 person I do trust today after they asked. (After having been told!)

Now it seems the whole fricking world wants to know. I've had enough of the e-mails telling me that I can "get better" or just plainly saying "faggot bastard".

AAAH.

It's been a while.

Sorry for the gap in posts.

It's been a depressing few days. Blogging went to the back of my mind.

I was blown off by a friend on Thursday. It was after I came out to him. He's never spoken to me since.

It's reinforced why my closet is good. It's safe.

2 Other "friends" are having nothing to do with me.

So I've stopped my coming out plans after 3 people either gave verbal abuse or just cut me out of their lives.

I bet they spread it round to other people I know, before I decide to tell them. I think things are gonna get rough soon. Also leaves me doubting my ability to tell if people are good or not. I thought they were nice people. All 3 of them.

Also, in my uni friendship group there is a guy who will frequently use "gay" as an insult, or to describe something in a bad way. I've hinted to two people in the group, but it does annoy me quite a bit. Maybe I've ended up with the wrong friends.

Lectures pissed me off again. Same lecturer that cracked out the being straight was what we are supposed to do line. I accept that we are talking about biology related topics and genetics, but I was born gay. I didn't one day decide:
"Darwin, check this. I'm only go fall in love with other guys. I'm not going to reproduce, so HA!"
I was born gay, I didn't choose it, so please stop putting references in lectures about how anything other than heterosexuality is abnormal and bad.

I also had a ray of hope. I saw a reference to my university's LGBT society. Thought I could meet other people at uni like me. Maybe even the elusive Mr. Right.
Damned thing disbanded a few years ago. I dug deeper and found out why.
Essentially in the city I live in for uni, there is too much homophobia, related crime and lack of understanding.
It seems that aving the society not hiding in a corner drew attention, and the people involved quite rightly decided it wasn't fair.
Sadly the only option was to close it.

Damn.

If anyone has some spare "win" in their life, send it over this way. I'm getting to the end of how much I can take.

It's all combined into one big shitty time.

I thought once I left school things would improve.
I thought at uni I could just be me. For some reason I can't. I thought that people would be more mature and less arsehole like than those at my school.
All I've seen is, some are still homophobic. I don't have many friends either, much like school. I certainly don't have enough to feel safe being totally open about being gay.

Sometimes I just wish I'd been straight, then none of this would ever happen. Life would be fucking simple.
However. I wouldn't be me.

I felt rather stupid on Friday/Saturday. I went to Tesco at 3am. (I'd run out of tissues, then kitchen towel, then toilet paper.) Friday was a really trying day. Don't want to relive it ever. Abused for being gay. (only verbal, I'm fine) Realised that two "friends" had decided they didn't like me anymore. Coming out was a dumb idea. A few other things got me down too.
Anyways.
So here I am in Tesco at 3am buying Kleenex and apple juice. Who do I see? A colleague from the local branch of the medical voluntary aid group. He's gay and proud. I'm not out my closet to them. I've just met them, and it's not like my hometown, where there's loads to do and lots of shifts.

Anyway. He looks in my trolley and sees 4 boxes of Kleenex, apple juice, chocolate and ice cream. My "shitty times cure"

Asks if I'm alright. I said I was. Not too sure if he believed me.

That's been the addition to the rest of the shit that's piling up.

However. I have some Kleenex and some ice cream.

Just wish life would improve a bit. I dunno how long I can put up with this.

I go back to the LGBT youth group on Tuesday. However it's a social type thing, not really a talk about it and solve problems thing. On top of that only about 5 or so people go. No hot, eligable guys either. In fact, not really any guys.

That's it for now. I'm going back to my Kleenex and ice cream.

Wednesday.

Achieved very little.

Was kept up by a noisy flatmate, missed my morning lecture. :@

Made my afternoon lecture. It was about Genetics, and Evolution etc.
"You are programmed to find a fertile mate, have sex, make babies and keep doing it until you die. That's what we are supposed to do."

Yeah thanks for that Dr. "Good Guy" (I've left his name out, that's not his name lol)
So basically I'm not normal is that right?

As if afternoon lectures weren't enough, I met an old school "aquaintance". In case you didn't read my post about school, something I hate talking about generally, it was a homophobic shit hole.

So that brought back memories of school, and made me feel even more shitty. He still hasn't matured. Walked directly into me. The old shoulder barge.

Anyway. That was my rubbish Wednesday. I spent some writing in my journal. (If anyone else ever read it I'd probably be wheeled off to a psychiatrist. It has all my deepest darkest secrets and feelings. 90% of which seem depressing to re-read. It keeps it some where else and out of my mind though.)

The light at the end of the tunnel seems dimmer and dimmer. Even the internet hates me. "Sorry, we were unable to establish a connection"
Sound familiar to anyone?


Argh, I saved this to drafts, but I'm going to publish now. It's 1am. My darned flatmate just drunkenly woke up the whole flat. Like she did last night! Beyond a joke now.

Thought I'd check msn and wait a while before going back to sleep. She's still at it.
However all 12 people on my msn list are offline, so probably just muck about on youtube, then bed. Again!

Still wonder if anyone has read any of this lol.
Don't know how to check in the first place. Still it keeps it on paper/computer and out my mind.

Goodnight/Morning. Maybe it'll be a better day. I hope anyway.

Tuesday

Today was a typically rubbish day.

Lectures were actually good, which was nice. I'm not going to the union to play pool/scan for hotties. :(

My friend that I go with has got the new left 4 dead game. It released yesterday. I'd play with him online, but mine isn't working for some reason.

I'd rather go to the union, but he is happy with left 4 dead 2.

Flatmates made some noise last night. I was up anyway, but it's become common now. Suppose if I knew more people like me I'd go out more at night.

Still haven't found the confidence to tell any else round here.
I've talked about it a little. It seems school is the stem of the problem, and somehow I have to overcome what happened there.

I'm going to the local youth group meeting tonight. Should be good. I'm hoping so. I could do with something nice about now.

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever get better.
I'd better get sorted for going. I don't want to be in a rush.