Nearly Christmas

It's nearly christmas. The time of eating too much, and being interrogated by family on girlfriends. :S

Good thing it's just parents and grandparents. ;)

It's even snowed over here. I can't wait to get out and make stuff with it.

Have a good christmas all.

Well, huge turnaround.

Counsellor went swimmingly. Now in touch with someone who specialises with LGBT people, so win in that respect.

I may have also got myself a boyfriend. :)

Spending a large amount of time texting and msning... ;)

Life's taken a nose dive, upwards.

An Appointment Made

Monday at 4. That's when I will see this counsellor for the first time. Probably not the last.

I'm already nervous as hell It's not even the weekend.

*sigh* Things have looked up recently so that's not too bad.

Anyway, back to my exam revision.

Waiting

I've still not heard back from the counsellor. The woman told on Friday it might take a wee while, but I'd expected to have something by now. Not sure if I should e-mail them to ask or just wait another day or two.

Things have been typical round here, but have thankfully calmed down a lot. I did some of my volunteering today. A 17yo male collapsed so I was called out to that. It turned out to be a simple faint with no tangible cause. Everything was fine on examination, a paramedic arrived after me and confirmed this, so we went on our way leaving him with some advice. That's about as exciting as it's been.

I'm just hoping the counsellor will be quick and e-mail me soon. I'm just ticking over for now. Passing each day as it comes.

I get less people running up asking if I'm gay now, so it's calmed down in that respect too, which is nice. Things almost seem to be heading towards a norm now. University is a very accepting place, I've not had anymore contact from anyone at school except for true friends, or two people who seem intent on reminding me verses in the Bible. I'm not sure how to block e-mails, so I just delete any I see come in.

I had a pretty funny reaction from someone today. "Great, can we go shopping!?"
I said: "That's a stereotype, not all gay people like shopping."
"Aww, okay. Sorry."
"SO when do you want to go?" (I don't mind it, I didn't buy anything either, so bank account win)

Counsellor

I went to the counsellor today. The first time I ended up getting to the door and walking past, but the second time I went in. I'm glad I did. A woman introduced herself and took me through the starting process. She said a counsellor could really help.
They did a core test or something similarly named. It's split into areas, Risk, Functionality and two other things. Wellbeing was one I think.
Anyway, my score said I was 0 for risk so that was good, but not as good for wellbeing, functionality and a third one. The test itself was quite hard. It made me think back over the last week or so, and it was mostly negative questions too.

However, things look like they will be getting better in the future. It was a nice place, it felt safe, non-judgemental and calm. I think I'm going to like it. I don't know who I'll get as a counsellor yet, but I'll get e-mailed sometime next week.

I want to thank the people that pushed me in the right direction, I can see now it's a good idea.

Lift Heading Up

Things look like they are getting better now.


I got my first comment last night! Mr. HCI. I checked out what he said today, about counsellors not being allowed to share information unless it was to protect me/somebody.

It turns out the counsellors are not allowed to disclose any personal information about me unless I was posing a danger to myself or someone else. So as I'm not doing that I think I should be good. I also got a letter from them today. Luckily given to me in person as it had University of ********** written all over it. Nice and subtle for the flatmates eh? In the letter they seemed very nice and approachable. I'm swaying so far to the go for it side now. (I think my director of studies must have thought I needed a push in the right direction).

Uni today was fairly standard, not much going on. My flatmates seem a bit more ok with everything. Some to differing levels. Most of them are still treating me just as before, and we all have a laugh. So it's not too bad. Things in the flat are looking up and at uni things are looking better with this counsellor. Just exams to worry about now really. Also nobody here has really been that bad, I don't think all that many know but some probably do. I got another letter about our schools first reunion. It's in the bin... A reunion after 6 months? Seems early. I can count the people I want to see again on one hand. I also keep in touch with them, so can easily arrange to see them whenever. I got a lovely e-mail from an old school friend. A real friend anyway.
It was huge, but to sum it up: My friend heard I was gay, and it doesn't bother him at all. He knows some people at school don't like it, but he said that they are just small minded. He spent a large chunck saying how it changes nothing between us, and he hopes to see me about christmas time. He also seems to be liking his uni, he wrote about the "talent on offer". So I that e-mail literally made my day.

Well it's decided. I will go to the counsellor and see what it's all about.
I finish tomorrow at 1pm. :) Students eh?
So I will go down and see them tomorrow I think. I feel better knowing they won't tell other people, and it sounds like it will help.

Wish me luck.

The Storm has Arrived Right on Fricking Que.

I knew a storm was coming. I knew it. I bloody well flipping knew it. (I do try not to swear, but lost £3 to my swear jar in the last hour)

The two people I thought I could trust that then outed me? Well it seems everyone knows. At least I'm at uni now. I might only be 17, but at least I'm not in that shithole school anymore. (Worth the 10p just to describe it.)

I've had a combination ranging from people assuming I'm gay because "so and so said I was", to people asking.

One "friend" actually asked if I can help them seduce a girl! Sorry, gay. No experience or ability at seducing girls. Right?

It's amazing how many people actually believe every detail of the "gay stereotype". No, I don't wear spandex, call everyone "darling" or know everything about fashion. I do like pink though... But I am not a stereotype, please stop labelling me!

I've had some of what I got at school, but luckily university seems more accepting. At least to my face anyways.

As for flatmates.... Well, I thought everything was cool, I didn't really see them much on Tuesday (yesterday).
However, at breakfast this morning I saw some and the tension was palpable. Normally when I walked in I got: "Morning" or "Stop smiling you smarmy git." (I'm a morning person)

Today I got: "_______" Nothing. Zip, nada. Not even an acknowledgement of my existence. Not even when I said "Morning.". I'm starting to think they are less cool with me than I had previously thought.

I'm starting to wish I could crawl back into my closet, at least when people thought I was straight they just treated me normally.
I have to live with these people until May/June time when we leave halls. I can't do that if they just blank me. Can I?

On top of this, I'm still undecided and terrified of seeing this counsellor they've offered.
It's totally optional, it will make no difference to my studies and the fact I've effectively "gotten away" with missing lectures and practicals. I just really couldn't bear to leave the flat, let alone go to a practical or a lecture. The director of studies was nice. She seemed understanding. I was still crapping it though. I need my degree if I want to be a registered paramedic, and she could have taken me off the degree, or more likely just incurred some kind of penalty.
I want to get help with all this, and the stuff that I don't even publish here, but I'm just terrified of the idea of going to see a counsellor. What if they decide to just tell my parents? Then I'd be royally fucked. I feel as if people's reactions are my fault. When my friends ditched me I felt responsible. People keep telling me it's not. I feel as if it is though. I don't know why. I have so many feelings bubbling away inside I feel as if I'm going to explode sometimes.

I can see the benefits, but I just don't know if I can trust them totally. Are they allowed to tell other people what I say? Does anyone know? Does anyone even read this, or is it just a vent for the crap that builds up inside?

Argh. I don't know what to do. I hate that. It's why I read so many books for my voluntary medical stuff. So people know they can count on me. Here? Here I'm totally useless. I just don't know what to do.