Recently I've spent a lot of time thinking about being gay, how it happened, why etc.
I can accept I was born this way and it was not a concious choice of anybody.
Despite all this, I still struggle to tell people. I know people who will tell people as soon as it comes up. If some one says: "She's hot isn't she?" They tell them straight off. Some of them are so proud they wear pride bands, necklaces or rings.
How do they do it? Sometimes I feel as if theres a big plastic mould of "Blue-Mars" and so far I trickle into the mould and fill it to the knees.
Yes I do a lot of things people tell me are "gay". The only one of importance I see is the liking guys part. The rest isn't gay, to me anyway.
However, all that said, I still struggle to tell people. Since I got home before christmas I've been back in the closet because I'm in my parent's house.
I hate it, I want back out.
Even when I am "out" I'm still sort of "in". Most people didn't seem to surprised when they found out or I told them, but even so I feel as if people will automatically think less of me. I hate it, but it keeps on happening. For some reason I can't seem to be proud about who I am. My msn colour oscillates between blue and pink, because "boys can't have pink", then I think "Well I can!" then it changes back.
I have accepted that I am gay, but for some nagging, irritating reason I attach lots of stigma to it and hide away like a frightened child. It gets me so annoyed. There's times when I have been totally in control of situations most people would freak out with, but for this situation, where so many before me have won. I am not in control at all. I am squeezing the bar desperately trying not to let go, but I am in no way in control. I feel robbed of my confidence whenever I have to tell some one or whenever some one asks me about being gay, and I can't get over it yet.
I'm starting to think that to fully be happy, and confident I'm going to have to bite a rather large bullet and tell the parents.
A concept I neither relish or am in any hurry to do.
I don't know what stops me telling them, but something holds me back from it.
How do you see yourself in five years ?
10 years ago
It is difficult. It stems from a lot of exposure to negative stereotypes of, and reactions to, being gay. Some are subconscious. Some very overt. It takes time to shift. It takes having gay friends who you admire and feel completely comfortable with. It takes having a fulfilling relationship with another guy. It probably means telling your parents (you are right to think it is a big bullet, but it will be worth biting when you are ready). It also means becoming comfortable in your own skin. The good news is that all of these things are in your control. The downside is that it can take time. You can't really force it, though you can be brave, and proactive. One day you will wake up and it will have happened. Took me about 6 years from coming out, but I was somewhat slow....
ReplyDeleteYou'll get there :)