Counsellor

I went to the counsellor today. The first time I ended up getting to the door and walking past, but the second time I went in. I'm glad I did. A woman introduced herself and took me through the starting process. She said a counsellor could really help.
They did a core test or something similarly named. It's split into areas, Risk, Functionality and two other things. Wellbeing was one I think.
Anyway, my score said I was 0 for risk so that was good, but not as good for wellbeing, functionality and a third one. The test itself was quite hard. It made me think back over the last week or so, and it was mostly negative questions too.

However, things look like they will be getting better in the future. It was a nice place, it felt safe, non-judgemental and calm. I think I'm going to like it. I don't know who I'll get as a counsellor yet, but I'll get e-mailed sometime next week.

I want to thank the people that pushed me in the right direction, I can see now it's a good idea.

Lift Heading Up

Things look like they are getting better now.


I got my first comment last night! Mr. HCI. I checked out what he said today, about counsellors not being allowed to share information unless it was to protect me/somebody.

It turns out the counsellors are not allowed to disclose any personal information about me unless I was posing a danger to myself or someone else. So as I'm not doing that I think I should be good. I also got a letter from them today. Luckily given to me in person as it had University of ********** written all over it. Nice and subtle for the flatmates eh? In the letter they seemed very nice and approachable. I'm swaying so far to the go for it side now. (I think my director of studies must have thought I needed a push in the right direction).

Uni today was fairly standard, not much going on. My flatmates seem a bit more ok with everything. Some to differing levels. Most of them are still treating me just as before, and we all have a laugh. So it's not too bad. Things in the flat are looking up and at uni things are looking better with this counsellor. Just exams to worry about now really. Also nobody here has really been that bad, I don't think all that many know but some probably do. I got another letter about our schools first reunion. It's in the bin... A reunion after 6 months? Seems early. I can count the people I want to see again on one hand. I also keep in touch with them, so can easily arrange to see them whenever. I got a lovely e-mail from an old school friend. A real friend anyway.
It was huge, but to sum it up: My friend heard I was gay, and it doesn't bother him at all. He knows some people at school don't like it, but he said that they are just small minded. He spent a large chunck saying how it changes nothing between us, and he hopes to see me about christmas time. He also seems to be liking his uni, he wrote about the "talent on offer". So I that e-mail literally made my day.

Well it's decided. I will go to the counsellor and see what it's all about.
I finish tomorrow at 1pm. :) Students eh?
So I will go down and see them tomorrow I think. I feel better knowing they won't tell other people, and it sounds like it will help.

Wish me luck.

The Storm has Arrived Right on Fricking Que.

I knew a storm was coming. I knew it. I bloody well flipping knew it. (I do try not to swear, but lost £3 to my swear jar in the last hour)

The two people I thought I could trust that then outed me? Well it seems everyone knows. At least I'm at uni now. I might only be 17, but at least I'm not in that shithole school anymore. (Worth the 10p just to describe it.)

I've had a combination ranging from people assuming I'm gay because "so and so said I was", to people asking.

One "friend" actually asked if I can help them seduce a girl! Sorry, gay. No experience or ability at seducing girls. Right?

It's amazing how many people actually believe every detail of the "gay stereotype". No, I don't wear spandex, call everyone "darling" or know everything about fashion. I do like pink though... But I am not a stereotype, please stop labelling me!

I've had some of what I got at school, but luckily university seems more accepting. At least to my face anyways.

As for flatmates.... Well, I thought everything was cool, I didn't really see them much on Tuesday (yesterday).
However, at breakfast this morning I saw some and the tension was palpable. Normally when I walked in I got: "Morning" or "Stop smiling you smarmy git." (I'm a morning person)

Today I got: "_______" Nothing. Zip, nada. Not even an acknowledgement of my existence. Not even when I said "Morning.". I'm starting to think they are less cool with me than I had previously thought.

I'm starting to wish I could crawl back into my closet, at least when people thought I was straight they just treated me normally.
I have to live with these people until May/June time when we leave halls. I can't do that if they just blank me. Can I?

On top of this, I'm still undecided and terrified of seeing this counsellor they've offered.
It's totally optional, it will make no difference to my studies and the fact I've effectively "gotten away" with missing lectures and practicals. I just really couldn't bear to leave the flat, let alone go to a practical or a lecture. The director of studies was nice. She seemed understanding. I was still crapping it though. I need my degree if I want to be a registered paramedic, and she could have taken me off the degree, or more likely just incurred some kind of penalty.
I want to get help with all this, and the stuff that I don't even publish here, but I'm just terrified of the idea of going to see a counsellor. What if they decide to just tell my parents? Then I'd be royally fucked. I feel as if people's reactions are my fault. When my friends ditched me I felt responsible. People keep telling me it's not. I feel as if it is though. I don't know why. I have so many feelings bubbling away inside I feel as if I'm going to explode sometimes.

I can see the benefits, but I just don't know if I can trust them totally. Are they allowed to tell other people what I say? Does anyone know? Does anyone even read this, or is it just a vent for the crap that builds up inside?

Argh. I don't know what to do. I hate that. It's why I read so many books for my voluntary medical stuff. So people know they can count on me. Here? Here I'm totally useless. I just don't know what to do.

Local Gay Group.

I was at the local gay group yesterday night.

It cheered me up after a typically irritating day. Sometimes I get that urge to slap people very, very hard. I don't though :)

Anyway, so we made a constitution, and we might be getting £10,000 to give to organisations to help them promote LGBT issues. Way cool huh?

We talked about the need of an accountant to chart where the money goes, and what comes in etc. Silly me mentioned that I've done that before, and that I know how to keep accounts, and have an accountant I can go run to if I balls it up. Looks like I'm going to be nominated for that post. Would be a lot of work to set up, but easy enough to maintain.

I also talked a bit about recent events and things. I feel better and less like it was my fault.
I don't know why, but for some reason I blamed myself for my friends reactions. The worker sorted me out though and made me realise it wasn't my fault. I still feel bad though.

I had a dream last night, I told my parents in it. It turned into a nightmare from there. I think my brain is trying to tell me something...

I think I'll just wait for now really.

After my weekend I didn't really want to come out anymore, but I managed to tell my flatmates. They seemed cool with it. I've not really seen them much today, so I don't know really.

I nearly came out to a friend today, wish I could. However after the weekend I'm a bit scared really.
Not sure what to do about that.
I've been offered counselling at the uni.

Is it that bad?? :(

I'm not sure if I'll go. I think it could help, but there is a kind of stigma to it I guess. What if someone I knew saw me? What if my lecturers found out (it's run by the uni). I mean, they might be less irritated about the practical class I missed, but would it affect my degree?
What if they think I'm crazy and tell my parents?

I can see the benefits, but my mind just keeps throwing "What if's" at me, and bad scenarios.

Anyone had experience with a counsellor, or able to answer any of these What ifs?
Be glady appreciated, I want to sort this out and be sure about my decision.

If only it was that easy...

Flatmates

So I was watching scrubs with my flatmates. It's 2 student accomodation flats. My flat, and the one across the hall.

So, one of them just asked if I was gay. I said yes because I was pretty sure I could trust her.

Finally some win in my life.

We had no evolution/darwinism lectures today, it was all Physicsy stuff which was hard to understand. At least it wasn't like the darwinism ones.

I'm just happy to finally have a bit of a win, it's felt like the last few months have been shit overall. Well they have, but things actually are looking up at the moment.

I even discussed people we found hot with one of the girls. :)
It feels good to not be avoiding the issue, and staying in my closet. I was worried after what happened at the weekend, but I'm so glad I took the plunge. I will need to tell the others too. The ones I did tell didn't really say much about it.

That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed, I don't think there'll be too much to keep me up, I'm too happy to worry now.

Aaah! Outed!

AAAH.

I'm bricking myself now. I told a couple of people I trusted at the weekend. 1 of them cut me off, but has since said sorry and come back. The other two gave me vebal, and have now started to tell the whole frigging world.

All I've had today is people saying "Is it true?"
I even got e-mails from people at my old school. Mostly along the lines of I'm disgusting etc. etc.

Fuck. What the hell should I do?
I've just said no to anyone I don't trust. I told 1 person I do trust today after they asked. (After having been told!)

Now it seems the whole fricking world wants to know. I've had enough of the e-mails telling me that I can "get better" or just plainly saying "faggot bastard".

AAAH.

It's been a while.

Sorry for the gap in posts.

It's been a depressing few days. Blogging went to the back of my mind.

I was blown off by a friend on Thursday. It was after I came out to him. He's never spoken to me since.

It's reinforced why my closet is good. It's safe.

2 Other "friends" are having nothing to do with me.

So I've stopped my coming out plans after 3 people either gave verbal abuse or just cut me out of their lives.

I bet they spread it round to other people I know, before I decide to tell them. I think things are gonna get rough soon. Also leaves me doubting my ability to tell if people are good or not. I thought they were nice people. All 3 of them.

Also, in my uni friendship group there is a guy who will frequently use "gay" as an insult, or to describe something in a bad way. I've hinted to two people in the group, but it does annoy me quite a bit. Maybe I've ended up with the wrong friends.

Lectures pissed me off again. Same lecturer that cracked out the being straight was what we are supposed to do line. I accept that we are talking about biology related topics and genetics, but I was born gay. I didn't one day decide:
"Darwin, check this. I'm only go fall in love with other guys. I'm not going to reproduce, so HA!"
I was born gay, I didn't choose it, so please stop putting references in lectures about how anything other than heterosexuality is abnormal and bad.

I also had a ray of hope. I saw a reference to my university's LGBT society. Thought I could meet other people at uni like me. Maybe even the elusive Mr. Right.
Damned thing disbanded a few years ago. I dug deeper and found out why.
Essentially in the city I live in for uni, there is too much homophobia, related crime and lack of understanding.
It seems that aving the society not hiding in a corner drew attention, and the people involved quite rightly decided it wasn't fair.
Sadly the only option was to close it.

Damn.

If anyone has some spare "win" in their life, send it over this way. I'm getting to the end of how much I can take.

It's all combined into one big shitty time.

I thought once I left school things would improve.
I thought at uni I could just be me. For some reason I can't. I thought that people would be more mature and less arsehole like than those at my school.
All I've seen is, some are still homophobic. I don't have many friends either, much like school. I certainly don't have enough to feel safe being totally open about being gay.

Sometimes I just wish I'd been straight, then none of this would ever happen. Life would be fucking simple.
However. I wouldn't be me.

I felt rather stupid on Friday/Saturday. I went to Tesco at 3am. (I'd run out of tissues, then kitchen towel, then toilet paper.) Friday was a really trying day. Don't want to relive it ever. Abused for being gay. (only verbal, I'm fine) Realised that two "friends" had decided they didn't like me anymore. Coming out was a dumb idea. A few other things got me down too.
Anyways.
So here I am in Tesco at 3am buying Kleenex and apple juice. Who do I see? A colleague from the local branch of the medical voluntary aid group. He's gay and proud. I'm not out my closet to them. I've just met them, and it's not like my hometown, where there's loads to do and lots of shifts.

Anyway. He looks in my trolley and sees 4 boxes of Kleenex, apple juice, chocolate and ice cream. My "shitty times cure"

Asks if I'm alright. I said I was. Not too sure if he believed me.

That's been the addition to the rest of the shit that's piling up.

However. I have some Kleenex and some ice cream.

Just wish life would improve a bit. I dunno how long I can put up with this.

I go back to the LGBT youth group on Tuesday. However it's a social type thing, not really a talk about it and solve problems thing. On top of that only about 5 or so people go. No hot, eligable guys either. In fact, not really any guys.

That's it for now. I'm going back to my Kleenex and ice cream.