I knew a storm was coming. I knew it. I bloody well flipping knew it. (I do try not to swear, but lost £3 to my swear jar in the last hour)
The two people I thought I could trust that then outed me? Well it seems everyone knows. At least I'm at uni now. I might only be 17, but at least I'm not in that shithole school anymore. (Worth the 10p just to describe it.)
I've had a combination ranging from people assuming I'm gay because "so and so said I was", to people asking.
One "friend" actually asked if I can help them seduce a girl! Sorry, gay. No experience or ability at seducing girls. Right?
It's amazing how many people actually believe every detail of the "gay stereotype". No, I don't wear spandex, call everyone "darling" or know everything about fashion. I do like pink though... But I am not a stereotype, please stop labelling me!
I've had some of what I got at school, but luckily university seems more accepting. At least to my face anyways.
As for flatmates.... Well, I thought everything was cool, I didn't really see them much on Tuesday (yesterday).
However, at breakfast this morning I saw some and the tension was palpable. Normally when I walked in I got: "Morning" or "Stop smiling you smarmy git." (I'm a morning person)
Today I got: "_______" Nothing. Zip, nada. Not even an acknowledgement of my existence. Not even when I said "Morning.". I'm starting to think they are less cool with me than I had previously thought.
I'm starting to wish I could crawl back into my closet, at least when people thought I was straight they just treated me normally.
I have to live with these people until May/June time when we leave halls. I can't do that if they just blank me. Can I?
On top of this, I'm still undecided and terrified of seeing this counsellor they've offered.
It's totally optional, it will make no difference to my studies and the fact I've effectively "gotten away" with missing lectures and practicals. I just really couldn't bear to leave the flat, let alone go to a practical or a lecture. The director of studies was nice. She seemed understanding. I was still crapping it though. I need my degree if I want to be a registered paramedic, and she could have taken me off the degree, or more likely just incurred some kind of penalty.
I want to get help with all this, and the stuff that I don't even publish here, but I'm just terrified of the idea of going to see a counsellor. What if they decide to just tell my parents? Then I'd be royally fucked. I feel as if people's reactions are my fault. When my friends ditched me I felt responsible. People keep telling me it's not. I feel as if it is though. I don't know why. I have so many feelings bubbling away inside I feel as if I'm going to explode sometimes.
I can see the benefits, but I just don't know if I can trust them totally. Are they allowed to tell other people what I say? Does anyone know? Does anyone even read this, or is it just a vent for the crap that builds up inside?
Argh. I don't know what to do. I hate that. It's why I read so many books for my voluntary medical stuff. So people know they can count on me. Here? Here I'm totally useless. I just don't know what to do.
How do you see yourself in five years ?
10 years ago
Don't know about the UK but, here in the USA, counselors are not allowed to speak to anyone without your consent, unless you're threatening to kill yourself or harm someone else, I believe.
ReplyDeleteNow you have a comment!
I'll add you to my blog links, too.
:-)
So I get total confidentiality unless I pose a risk to someone?
ReplyDeleteThat sounds ok. Suppose I could double check before committing to go.
I've debated this one in my head a bit and I'm leaning further and further to going.
Thanks Mr. HCI I'll add you to mine too.
Im sorry that people are reacting so poorly. But Im confused, and I know that I sound like a dumb american- but maybe you can clear this up for me. So you are at Uni? I.e. you are getting a 4 year degree? In the US, typically high school goes through 18, and then they go to University. Does your HS only go through 16? I'm always so confused how the Skins kids have so much freedom to walk around the school campus, etc. In my HS, it was like a prison. Is that typical?
ReplyDeleteSorry for sounding so un-worldly :-/
Steve
I spoke this evening to one of the counselors at the LGBTQQ youth center where we volunteer. In the US, until you are 18, you are subject to your 'rents. They can contact the counselor and ask what you have been talking about. She added, though, that an ethical counselor would not out you to your folks.
ReplyDeleteI saw someone for a few months when I was 27 and starting to peek out of the closet. It helped quite a bit.
27 probably sounds ancient to you but things were a lot different when I was 17; I knew of precisely one openly gay high school student in the entire United States when I was 17: Aaron Fricke (look him up).
I started school at 4.
ReplyDeleteWe do Primary 1-7 Then Secondary 1-6. So at the end of 6th Year I was 17.
The minimum age to leave is at 16; however the governement wants to raise it to 18. It is generally quite free to move about after 4th Year of Secondary.