It's been a while.

Sorry for the gap in posts.

It's been a depressing few days. Blogging went to the back of my mind.

I was blown off by a friend on Thursday. It was after I came out to him. He's never spoken to me since.

It's reinforced why my closet is good. It's safe.

2 Other "friends" are having nothing to do with me.

So I've stopped my coming out plans after 3 people either gave verbal abuse or just cut me out of their lives.

I bet they spread it round to other people I know, before I decide to tell them. I think things are gonna get rough soon. Also leaves me doubting my ability to tell if people are good or not. I thought they were nice people. All 3 of them.

Also, in my uni friendship group there is a guy who will frequently use "gay" as an insult, or to describe something in a bad way. I've hinted to two people in the group, but it does annoy me quite a bit. Maybe I've ended up with the wrong friends.

Lectures pissed me off again. Same lecturer that cracked out the being straight was what we are supposed to do line. I accept that we are talking about biology related topics and genetics, but I was born gay. I didn't one day decide:
"Darwin, check this. I'm only go fall in love with other guys. I'm not going to reproduce, so HA!"
I was born gay, I didn't choose it, so please stop putting references in lectures about how anything other than heterosexuality is abnormal and bad.

I also had a ray of hope. I saw a reference to my university's LGBT society. Thought I could meet other people at uni like me. Maybe even the elusive Mr. Right.
Damned thing disbanded a few years ago. I dug deeper and found out why.
Essentially in the city I live in for uni, there is too much homophobia, related crime and lack of understanding.
It seems that aving the society not hiding in a corner drew attention, and the people involved quite rightly decided it wasn't fair.
Sadly the only option was to close it.

Damn.

If anyone has some spare "win" in their life, send it over this way. I'm getting to the end of how much I can take.

It's all combined into one big shitty time.

I thought once I left school things would improve.
I thought at uni I could just be me. For some reason I can't. I thought that people would be more mature and less arsehole like than those at my school.
All I've seen is, some are still homophobic. I don't have many friends either, much like school. I certainly don't have enough to feel safe being totally open about being gay.

Sometimes I just wish I'd been straight, then none of this would ever happen. Life would be fucking simple.
However. I wouldn't be me.

I felt rather stupid on Friday/Saturday. I went to Tesco at 3am. (I'd run out of tissues, then kitchen towel, then toilet paper.) Friday was a really trying day. Don't want to relive it ever. Abused for being gay. (only verbal, I'm fine) Realised that two "friends" had decided they didn't like me anymore. Coming out was a dumb idea. A few other things got me down too.
Anyways.
So here I am in Tesco at 3am buying Kleenex and apple juice. Who do I see? A colleague from the local branch of the medical voluntary aid group. He's gay and proud. I'm not out my closet to them. I've just met them, and it's not like my hometown, where there's loads to do and lots of shifts.

Anyway. He looks in my trolley and sees 4 boxes of Kleenex, apple juice, chocolate and ice cream. My "shitty times cure"

Asks if I'm alright. I said I was. Not too sure if he believed me.

That's been the addition to the rest of the shit that's piling up.

However. I have some Kleenex and some ice cream.

Just wish life would improve a bit. I dunno how long I can put up with this.

I go back to the LGBT youth group on Tuesday. However it's a social type thing, not really a talk about it and solve problems thing. On top of that only about 5 or so people go. No hot, eligable guys either. In fact, not really any guys.

That's it for now. I'm going back to my Kleenex and ice cream.